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Handling Your Child `s Temper Tantrums
 The
only people who find temper tantrums amusing are a child's
grandparents—because it’s finally payback time as they watch their grown
children struggle helplessly with their own little monsters.
Unfortunately, tantrums are a fact of life for anyone with young
children. They usually start before age two, when children experiment
with different ways to communicate with others and to get what they
want. Tantrums become more infrequent around age four, but some children
continue to “throw fits” for years after that—even into adulthood.
Yikes! Don’t worry, though. While tantrums are unavoidable to some
extent, you can prevent many of them and help your child learn better
coping mechanisms by following some simple steps. This article will help
you and your child navigate the tantrum years with your sanity intact.
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Parenting Styles
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Parenting Effectively
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How to be a good father
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How to be a good mother
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Good Parenting Tips
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Parenting Young
Children
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Teaching your child about
Budgeting
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Handling your child 's Temper
Tantrums
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 Remain calm enough
to handle the tantrum properly. The worst thing parents can do is
have a temper tantrum over their child's temper tantrum. Children need a
calming influence, especially during a tantrum, and if you can’t provide
that, you can’t expect them to calm down. Take a few deep breaths and
wait at least a few seconds before deciding on a response.
Remember that your
child's tantrum is NOT necessarily a way to "get his way", but could be
the result of frustration, lack of needed attention from you, or even a
physical problem, like low blood sugar, pain or digestive problems!
The lack of a place to nap is a common cause of tantrums (Ever notice
how many kids you see having them around 3 PM in stores! It's NAP TIME,
but Mommy would rather shop! It is also the time of afternoon when blood
sugar drops after lunch and a small snack is often needed NOTE: not all
parents put their children to sleep at this time, do not generalize!).
Don't set yourself up! Schedule activities around your child's needs.
Offer your child a
choice of coping strategies. For example, your son wants ice cream,
but it's too close to dinner. Say: "Johnny, you're really getting upset
now. Calm down or you'll have to go to your room." You have given him a
choice -- either control himself or, if he can't, retreat to a place
where he won't influence others. If he makes the right choice (to calm
down), remember to compliment him: "You asked for ice cream and I said
no. I want to thank you for taking no for an answer." Conversely, have
consequences and enforce them if he chooses to get upset. Guide him to
his room and firmly insist that he remain there until he calms down, for
example. This is easier with a two-year-old than with an eight-year-old,
so the younger you begin the learning process the better.
Stem your own rising
frustration level. Tantrums can raise blood pressure and stress
levels in parents as well as children. If you really can’t handle a
tantrum, make sure the child will be safe and spend a few moments away
from him or her. The time-out has a calming effect for both of you. Get
your spouse or other responsible person to look after the child while
you calm down. Put your child in his or her room with a gate in front of
the door if necessary.
Try to determine the
cause of the tantrum. Tantrums can be triggered by a number of
things, and the cause of the tantrum should help determine your response
to it. If a tantrum is caused by hungriness or sleepiness, you should
feed the child or allow him or her to take a nap as soon as possible. If
the tantrum is triggered by frustration or fear, you need to comfort
your child. If the child feels ignored, spend some quality/quantity time
with him, playing or reading, etc. If, however, your child is acting up
because he or she can’t get his or her way…
Do not reward the
tantrum. If the parents give in, tantrums become a launching point
for the child—a way to deal with the world socially. If you allow
yourself to be held hostage by tantrums, your child will continue to use
them long past the age when they would otherwise cease. Even if the
child is throwing a fit because he hasn’t received enough attention,
don’t reward the behavior now. Instead, resolve to make long-term
changes to avoid future outbursts. Try not to panic or make concessions,
but leave the scene, even if just for a few minutes. Go to the crying
room at church—that’s what it's there for, after all—to the car, or even
to the restroom to allow your child and you to regain control.
Take steps to prevent
injury. Some children can become quite animated during a tantrum. If
this occurs, remove dangerous objects from the child’s path or steer the
child away from danger. Try to avoid restraining a child during a
tantrum, but sometimes this is necessary and comforting. Be gentle (do
not use excessive force), but hold him or her firmly. Speak reassuringly
to the child, especially if the tantrum is the result of disappointment,
frustration, or unfamiliar surroundings.
Explain to the child
that you will talk to him or her when he or she calms down. This will
help your child to understand that you are ignoring her because her
behavior is unacceptable, not because you don’t care about her. When the
child calms down, fulfill your part of the bargain by discussing the
tantrum and the child’s concerns.
Avoid trying to reason
with any child who is in the middle of a full-blown tantrum, especially
in a public place. Give him or her time to vent. Instead, give the child
phrases to express the emotions that they are experiencing. Say phrases
like, "You must be really tired after such a long day," or, "You must
feel frustrated that you can't have what you want right now." This not
only will help the child verbalize this later, but shows empathy for
their feelings without having to give in.
Discuss the behavior
with your child once the tantrum has ended. While there’s no use
trying to reason with a child in the midst of a tantrum, you both can
learn a lot by discussing the incident afterwards. Explain that the
behavior is unacceptable, but also make sure your child understands that
you love him or her regardless. Try to discover the cause of the tantrum
if you haven’t already, and take the opportunity to discuss better
alternatives with your child.
Do not discipline
physically eg by smacking your child. This conveys three unhelpful
messages:
1. That you are out of control.
2. That hitting is an acceptable behavior.
3. That feelings should be suppressed and not vented (a toddler is
expressing feelings in the only way they are able).
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